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The Theory of the Evolution of CuddleWorld

Snowybear forwarded the following question:

...Is is round or flat?

Sir Heironymous Sacheverel Locksley proposed the following:

...er...sorta doughnut shaped (which is Locksleyish for toroidal)

So Snowybear composed the following thesis:

Hmmm....

This would seem to promote the theory that CuddleWorld was created in some kind of mega intercuddlegalactic deep-fryer and that the life may have evolved as a result of extra-terrestrial sugar sprinkling.

I'll have to conduct a geological survey to see how far down the chocolate topsoil goes....

Hmmm.... well my initial results are inconclusive. There appear to be different layers marking chronological changes: about six inches below the green marzipan surface, there is a layer of soft praline and fudge, followed by several alternate layers of Finnish, Dutch, Belgian and British chocolate, interspersed with layers of nuts, Californian raisins and strawberry jam (which obviously marked some kind of period of volcanic activity, lending weight to the idea that there is mixed-fruit, miles below the surface and strawberry jam at the core). There follows quite a thick layer of marshmallow which would indicate that CuddleWorld once had a much more humid climate. In fact, several fossilised chocolate fish and white candy mice have been unearthed recently, dating from this period. Underneath that there is a solid layer of multi-national candy conglomerates, which seem to include Hershey's, Cadbury's, Lindt and Milka. Obviously there was an abundance of giant Huggosaurians at this time. The furthest layer I could reach was sedimentary biscuit, indicating that the Meadow may once have been the site of a pre-hugstoric trifle-bed.

If anyone wants to sample any of these marzipan/fudge/praline/choc/nut 'n'raisin/strawberry/marshmallow/candy/biscuit test plugs, they're free at the fudge-shoppe.

So, in the Meadow itself, the CuddleLand crust contains:

Traces of radioactive spam BS-237 and ash residue were also found.

No artificial colourings or preservatives were present.

From these findings, I can speculate as to the evolution of CuddleWorld.

Pre-biscuit period (about 4 billion thingies ago):

No life present. CWorld forms from an amorphous blob of hot dough, which became shaped and fried into a giant doughnut, with molten jam at the center.

Biscuit period (about 2 billion thingies ago):

The doughnut begins to cool, giving rise to a biscuit crust. Volcanic activity at this time causes jam to cover the surface and oceans of trifle are formed. Basic life, in the form of single-celled candy bits, evolves, or is brought here via extra-terrestrial sugar-sprinklings. These later evolve in to simple invertebrates: glace cherries, jelly- babies, liqourice strands and suchlike.

Triflassic period (about 1 billion thingies ago):

Exo-skeletal life evolves in the jam oceans: fruit soft-centers, bubblegum and predatory easter-eggs (several of which have been found with smaller chocolates still inside them). The first easter-eggs venture onto the volcanic nut, raisin and biscuit land and soon evolve into Fully-fledged bars. Ice-cream is formed on mountain-tops.

Huggassic period (about 500 million thingies ago):

Huge predatory candy and chocolate bars roam the land, consuming anything in their wake: Snickersaurus, DiploHersheycus, Tobleronadon, Tyrannosaurus Twix, etc.

Marshmallow period (about 180 million thingies ago):

A huge toasted marshmallow crashes into CWorld, wiping out 99% of all life. Only the white candy mice and chocolate fish survive, along with several species of Easter-egg. There is a great ice-cream age and the white candy mice begin to evolve into the first cuddly animals.

Fruit'n'nut age (50 million thingies ago):

Enormous volcanic uphevals and continental drifts cause life to diversify. The first proto-bunnies appear, followed by primitive bear and elf-like creatures. Other forms follow. Tremendous amounts of chocolate are consumed.

Cuddle age (10 million thingies ago to the present thingy)

Cyber-space begins to carry the the first cuddlers, as we know them, into the meadow, imitating small furry (and often large furry and not always furry at all) creatures. The castle is built and civilisation as we know it comes into being.

Now, obviously, there are those who strongly believe that all of this was made in six thingies by the Great Confectioner and on the seventh thingy he had to rest because he'd eaten far too much chocolate ice- cream. Hence this day was referred to as 'Sundae'. There are even those who feel that CuddleWorld is carried along on the back of a giant teddy- bear (this has given rise to factional splits among those committed to believing it is in fact not a teddy-bear, but a giant bunny). I have no wish to cause any theological debates, but merely to offer an alternative theory as to the evolution of CuddleWorld and CuddleLand, based upon Locksley's idea of it being a giant doughnut, or, as further research would indicate, a gravitationally collapsed bundt cake.

Obviously, other theories are welcome and we still have to determine what is the true nature of the the Cuddlyverse.

"EDGE? Oh, it's life as WE now it, but WE aren't life as IT knows it..."

-Sir Heironymous Sacheveral Locksley, May 9 1997, referring to the possibility of life beyond the borders of CuddleLand.

"'Proto-bunnies?!'" Does this mean the bunnie was the first sentient cuddler?"

-Sir Horatio Jervais Thumper, speculating on the implications of SnowyBear's Theory of Evolution

Well yes... you appear to have hit the teddy on the head... from a theological standpoint, the Bunni-Cuddlers and the Bear'ite-Cuddlers have always been opposed on this issue, but really, there can be no doubt about it... bunnies and bears would have to have evolved at pretty much the same time. It is my belief that burrowing nature of bunnies evolved from their environment, which consisted of soft praline/fudge topsoil, through which they had to dig to get to the chocolate. The bears however, adapted to catching chocolate fish and hugging liquorice trees for their soft-centered fruits. Dragons, on the other hand, lived in areas of marmallow swampland and developed fiery breath in order to toast the available food-source. Elves were, I believe, extra-terrestrial in origin*, but stayed here because they have an insatiable appetite for the pizza encrustations on the volcanic foot-hills. Wolves, being pack-cuddlers, may have evolved because they liked pushing Easter-eggs around with their noses, rolling them downhill and chasing after them. The kitties went after the white candy mice, some of which reverted to an aquatic lifestyle to avoid the kitties and became dolphins. The lions and panthers appeared to forego their predatory nature entirely when they found the ice-cream, although they still like to throw it around as a bit of a genetic trait.

* Addenda: Research conducted on the Cuddle-Moon from the Huggle Space Telescope may suggest that the elves may have originated there. This is merely a theory at present, based upon the supposition that Elfis Parsley, having faked his own demise, went to live there. We're not really sure if the Cuddle-Moon is made from meringue, marshmallow, or camembert, but we're hoping to build a long ladder in order to find out. Research is ongoing....

SnowyBear a.k.a. Andy

Used with permission of the author, Andy "SnowyBear" Pickford.

Please see the copyright notice.

Last modified: November 05, 1998 by Locksley